Points of View
So, I've been posting on this chat forum that is for hapas. I came across it by chance and I've ended up meeting a few of the members - they've all been extremely nice people and I'm glad I met them.
But, there's been an interesting bit of drama on the boards. Two of the members met with another one and told her that she had "an endearing Japanese accent" (or something similar). She was born and raised in England, so she was annoyed at the comment, but they tried to clarify by saying, "No, it's cute, really." That simply infuriated her more. Also, these two other members began talking on the boards (I don't know if it's intentional or what) in a mock-Japanese accent by replacing their Rs with Ls, so the other girl got pissed and left.
She came back recently and explained why she left, and how she was even further annoyed that several other unrelated members took to posting in the mock Japanese accent. I stuck my head into the conversation (perhaps where it didn't belong) and explained that while I don't know/understand the start of the drama, I was pretty sure that most of the other people were doing it simply because of the irony/humor. Many of the hapas on the boards grew up in western countries speaking both languages, and several of them have encountered some discrimination because they look Asian. I explained that much like how the term "hapa" was reclaimed by people of mixed heritage to be a source of pride, perhaps these others were using the fake accent to simply be ironic (in that they are perceived as being Asian and expected to speak that way, so they are hamming it up).
She responded by saying that it is offensive to hapas that grew up in Japan who don't speak English well, despite the fact that to full-Japanese people, they look foreign and therefore should speak perfect English. No matter how I tried to explain that we all have different experiences and people cope in different ways (and despite the fact that I said that I know that it isn't necessarily the intent of an action, but rather the result that is most important), she still claims that other people don't have a right to make light of the situation...
I understand that some people have more baggage than others. But does that mean nobody should be able to poke fun at themselves? I understand the struggle, but perhaps it is my own lack of serious baggage (or my willingness to make fun of myself so often) that I simply can't understand why she gets upset about people making fun of themselves. The initial issue - sure, I can understand her being upset. It was patronizing. But the other situations? That'd be like someone telling me I can't make fun of my own thumbs or my huge noggin because they had issues dealing with it growing up.
Maybe some things just aren't reconcilable.
2 Comments:
It really is all about point of view. While you are frustrated because "no matter how [you] tried to explain," she wouldn't get it, I would imagine she is similarly frustrated that no matter how detailed she tries to be about *why* it's a problem, people she liked/likes in a community she liked/likes are ignoring her point of view and the fact (whether or not one views it as valid) that she and possibly others are offended and hurt by it.
My guess is that the biggest issue for her is that here is this community that she hopes would understand the finer points of that kind of issue -- after all, all of you are hapas and some of the commonality of experience you see there probably originates in the "otherness" you can feel as a hapa, especially when in a position of extreme minority. Perhaps the rest of society doesn't quite "get" those complex issues, but most people here have a good chance of "getting it".
Then she hits upon something that is incredibly important to her and she feels safe in bringing it up. It really doesn't matter what the actual thing was. She brings it up, and suddenly, she feels ganged up on, and that not only will people not back her up, people continue the direct mocking that she feels is hurtful.
Well, why *would* she stay?
That's the thing. The community and its individuals do not have to understand or abide by her standards. But if it's important to keep her in the community, the right way to handle it isn't to say, "Get over it," or "Don't be oversensitive," albeit in a nice way. The way to keep her is for individuals to speak up and say, ok, even if it doesn't apply to everyone, this one person DOES feel offended by it. What will you, as individuals do? Individually, you have to decide if not hurting her is worth being able to make the jokes or not. Because whether one feels it's valid or not, it hurts her.
And individually, people can speak to her and say that they certainly don't intend to hurt people who do feel that it's a hot topic issue. Maybe you can ask people to speak up if they are in fact hurt by it -- often, in public forums, people DON'T speak up, even when things are very offensive, precisely because of the "oversensitive" tag people put on them. Sure, some people really, honestly, by any reasonable standard, are oversensitive when compared to the majority. But even when it's an issue that many people have a beef with, some people don't speak up because they see that the label gets slapped on quickly and that there is a general sense of condescension on the person.
Anyway, so I'm saying there are a couple of different things going on: how you want to deal with the individual in question and how you want to run the community that it creates an atmosphere where people are not afraid to speak up, whether it's a joke or it's being hurt by the joke. Ideally, you don't want people to gag themselves in regards to joking around, but you also don't want people to gag themselves in regard to being able to respond to the jokes.
6:06 PM
Yeah, I completely agree/understand everything you said, which is sort of why I felt compelled to post about it. She's right in that those sorts of comments are insensitive to people who have experienced harsh prejudice. On the other hand, some people simply deal with those experiences differently (or have not encountered that level of prejudice, therefore are incapable of understanding). The best result that I was hoping for was that people would understand that regardless of your intent, sometimes your actions hurt other people and you should be aware of that and that she would realize that not everyone shares her particular point of view and may feel that it is okay to joke amongst "friends."
In the end, I think that's what it came down to (she openly said that it's likely something that people will never see eye to eye, but as long as people are aware, that may be enough).
4:48 PM
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